Festival of Fiendishness Day 4: GREEN GOBLIN

I’m back from my hiatus of inconsistency where I moved, got sick, tore up my knee (and today got an MRI in super sexy disposable shorts) and my lil Honey Badger turned 10. I had a couple things going on. And yeah, I missed a few posts (why you bringing up old shit?). But Here I Am To Save the Day! And give you your daily dose of deviousness with today’s installment: the Green Goblin.

You all know I’m a Spiderman fan, right? I dig ol Webhead—always have, always will (though I’m a little skeptical of this reboot that’s coming and REALLY not feeling the Lizard). The thing you have to remember about Spidey is that when he started, he was a kid. Peter Parker was a teenager and a socially inept one at that who got a taste of powers and decided to jump into the superhero fray. But he was a kid—that meant he was sloppy at his heroism, was horribly overwhelmed by the pushback from the Daily Bugle and the very citizens he tried to protect, and was woefully unprepared for the evil in his villains.

And he got the Green Goblin.

Whether you read the comics (and I know 8 of you did) or watched the movies, Norman Osborne is the head of Osborn Industries and the father of Peter Parker’s highschool classmate (and good friend in the movies), Harry Osborne. Osborne Industries makes a serum that makes you faster, stronger, smarter. Sounds fantastic and Norman gets a dose. Unfortunately, this serum comes with a couple teensy weensy side effects in the fine print: you become an insane villainous megalomaniac with multiple personalities and a snazzy green and purple suit (what’s up with the villains wearing green and purple? Green Goblin, Joker, Dr. Doom—is it an outfit? A uniform?)

Anyway, Gobby’s on the street with pumpkin bombs and razor-bat things and a shiny glider and causing mayhem and destruction. And here comes Spiderman. They do their usual cat-and-mouse, “curses, foiled again,” “damn I almost had him but he slipped away” dance and it makes for good comics. Until the Goblin takes things to another level. He screws up Spidey’s spider-sense, follows him, and SHOWS UP AT PETER PARKER’S HOUSE. Do you hear this? My man’s father is secretly a masked supervillain and he figures out who Peter Parker really is and shows up as the Green Goblin. This isn’t funny anymore. Now it’s personal.

But it gets better. Or worse. Depending on how you look at it.

Peter Parker is dating Gwen Stacy, right? That’s his college sweetheart. What does Normie do? Tracks her down, seduces her, gets her pregnant. Then, knowing that Peter and Gwen are dating and Norman Osborne tagging his woman is not humiliating enough, the Green Goblin has to humiliate Spiderman too. So he takes Gwen prisoner, drags her to the top of the Brooklyn Bridge. And throws her off. You remember that scene in Spiderman (the movie) where a Willem Dafoe in a raggedy Green Goblin costume takes Mary Jane (played by raggedy Kirsten Dunst) to the bridge and tosses her off and Spiderman saves the day? Yeah, that shit didn’t actually happen. Instead, when Gobby throws Gwen off the bridge, Spidey does catch her with his webbing AND BREAKS HER NECK! He kills her! In the comic, the whiplash from being stopped so short by Spiderman’s web causes Gwen to die.

I don’t know about you but killing the person you’re trying to save doesn’t exactly inspire confidence in your super-heroing skills. Killing your girlfriend, well, that just puts Pete into Scott Petersen territory. Spidey cannot win. Yeah he goes on to be a pretty fantastic superhero but you know he’s scared of himself. Doesn’t trust his own capabilities. Lives the rest of his life looking over his shoulder—as both Peter Parker and Spiderman.

There is a saying you hear in every gangster movie: “It’s business; it isn’t personal.” This was some personal shit. The Green Goblin found Spidey’s girl, had an affair with, threw her off a bridge and had the hero kill her. It doesn’t get much more personal than that.

And that, my friends, is why the Green Goblin is awesome. Tune in tomorrow for the scariest dude in a jumpsuit and the father of the slasher flick: Michael Myers!

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