Festival of Fiendishness: VICTOR KIRIAKIS

You didn’t know I could go all soap opera on ya, didja? Didn’t think I had it in me, huh? Well, I was a latch-key kid in the summers in the 80s and one of the benefits/penalties of that was my sister LOVED Days Of Our Lives. That meant, for one hour every day, I was immersed in the “I thought you were dead” – who is that baby’s father? – I have cancer – what happened to my man’s eye? world of Bo and Hope and the Brady family. I can’t look away from a story (or a Lifetime movie for that matter) so I was hooked pretty quick. In that time, I watched the host from the Biggest Loser grow up, learned to give a shit about what happens to Deirdre Hall (and pick her out of a line up) and was introduced to the coldest dude named Victor ever, Victor Kiriakis.

Over the last 25 years or so, Victor’s been busy. He started out as kind of a small time thug, running a prostitution and porno ring (and this was the 80s, mind you). He graduated up to building an international crime syndicate, “buying” a former CIA operative so he could fool with his memories and taunt make the Brady family think their son was back, and evading child support for Bo by forging a legal document stating he was sterile at the time of conception. As an aside, how do you get that document? How do you fake a fertility test on the off chance someone’s gonna hit you up for child support 20-some years in the future?

Now, there is absolutely no way I can sum up a 20 year run on a daytime soap opera in 500-600 words but there are some highlights:

  • Remember that drug/porno/prostitution ring? Victor discovered another dude had killed a woman and blackmailed the killer into taking responsibility for the drug/porno/prostitution ring
  • He ordered a woman to be shot when she came into town and then blackmailed her into leaving town AFTER she got shot. Doesn’t say much for the shooter though, huh?
  • Ran a number of campaigns in stealing people’s money including a jail break and a false kidnapping
  • Drugged his nephew to make him impotent
  • He framed another chick for a murder his daughter committed
  • Helped his son bury a woman alive—and tried to kill that same son in an elevator accident
  • Kidnapped a dude and then wouldn’t give him insulin for his diabetes

Victor has done a litany of foul stuff, from the petty shit like drugs and prostitutes to real shit like blackmail, kidnapping, and murder. BUT HE LOOKS SO COOL DOING IT! My man always got a drink, a 3-piece suit, and that lovely mane of silver hair. Even when you think he’s doing good things, he’s got that “I’m a cobra and you are my prey” look.

Here’s what I love about Victor: he’s the Godfather in a tiny little town in Portland and we got to watch him in action for the last 30 years. And he has wonderful hair. And he’s Jennifer Aniston’s dad.

That’s my word! Next up, Catwoman is gonna purr her sexy tail across the Festival.

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