I’m going to Hell. I already know it.
A couple times on this very blog I’ve mentioned what I think is the funniest thing I have ever seen: a handicapped hockey game. I know it’s wholly inappropriate. I know it sets a horrible example for my kids. I know I’m going to have to do a PSA on tolerance or some shit at my daughter’s school. Whatever. I’ve actually been pretty good about keeping this twisted sense of humor in check, like I’m at AA or something, until the temptation arises. Today, temptation reared her beautiful, hilarious head and I found something else to laugh at. I called my sponsor but she was giggling to. So, before I go down that road, let me tell about this hockey game so you can understand why what I saw today is so damn funny.
So gather round boys and girls, let me tell you about the hockey game that I saw that earned me a first class ticket to the gates of Hell. And by the way, some 20 years later, it is still as funny to me now as it was then.
It was a cold winter day in the frozen tundra that is the Twin Cities. I was in college but was home flipping channels on Cox cable (Minnesotans—remember that?). I came across a cable access channel and what I saw on screen made me pause. Now, you have to know that cable access back then was like free-for-all—so long as no one was naked, you could pretty much put whatever you wanted on TV for, like $99. It was worth the pause.
The scene is the inside of a high school gym, all brown and cinderblock-y and we’re looking at the gym from the side, from the bleachers. And there is a crowd of like 14 people and there are announcers but I can’t hear what they’re saying because I see this hockey puck fly across the screen, like a good 8, 10 feet above the gym floor. What the hell? Then the camera focuses tight on the kid that hit the puck. He comes onto the screen and he plants his right foot, then his left and I see that one of his feet has a REAL THICK SOLE on the shoe. But only one! One leg is shorter than the other. Uh oh…I feel that grin start ease across my face and I settle back.
Camera widens and we pan to the left and I get the first real look at what I’m watching: of the 10 people on the floor, most of them are running around, a handful of them are in wheelchairs. Oh God…I instantly start looking for a videotape because I am confident no one is going to believe me. My roommate, Darryl, is home but he’s in his room and I’m calling for him. You have to know that when things get funny, my voice gets higher. So we’re on the left hand side of the gym and somebody hits the puck to the goalie WHO IS IN A WHEELCHAIR! Now, I don’t give a shit if you’re able or disabled, handicapped or handicapable—that’s not what’s funny. What’s funny is floor hockey is a fast paced game. It’s a fast, rough and tumble game. I’m struggling with anybody’s thought that the kid in the wheelchair makes the best goalie—THAT’S what makes this funny. But he’s wheeling back and forth, slapping the puck and hitting sticks (pack pack!).
“Darryl!” I am tearing up my living room digging for a tape and squealing. “Darryl!”
He finally comes out, sees what’s on the screen, rolls his eyes at me and says, “You’re going to Hell!”
“I need a tape! Give me a tape!” The only thing I can find is a copy of a bunch of Michael Jackson videos taped from Video Vibrations and Darryl is a HUGE Michael Jackson fan (read Michael Jackson impersonator—long jheri curl and everything) and he won’t let me tape over them. And he’s bigger than me. A lot bigger. Fine. Whatever.
Camera pans to the right to follow the action and on this side, while the goalie is standing up, both of his wingmen are in wheelchairs. And of them is electric. This dude is for real scooting around, swiping at the puck like sskazzz pack! Sskazz pack! This is REAL! I am crying at this point, starting to have an asthma attack because I’m laughing so hard. Darryl is in full disgust mode—he secretly wants to laugh but I’m being so ridiculous and he can’t descend to my level.
Until they showed the ref.
This cat is in a wheelchair too, pulling himself around the gym with one foot with a sock on it. The other leg stops at the knee. And then I see that the short leg has a full size shoe on the end of it. Do you hear me? He has a size 9 sticking up from the end of his half-a-leg. When is that shoe EVER gonna touch the ground? I was done. Darryl made me turn it off. Then went into his room to laugh.
Truth be told, I’m laughing about it now. And perfectly fine with my eternal lodging in the underworld.
But I was good. I only tell that story at parties, relive it every so often. Then today, I open up my Yahoo browser and I see trending in the news this two-word headline: “Amputee Brawl.” I HAVE to click it. I have to. And this is what I see:
OK, two things: first, number 10 is FAST! I had no idea he would be that fast! Second, “that’s what I call a hit and run.”
I say all that I’ve said to say this: Welcome Back! Yes, life got tricky. Yes, we had some losses (Rocky) and some wins (a new puppy who doesn’t believe in sleep). But now I’m back and you’re back–we’re back! We got heroes and villains, DMFRHs and random jackasses–and we have a posting schedule.If you ever wondered what you might find here at Crooked Letterz, now you know. And knowing’s half the battle!
Catch ya on Friday!